Willpower: My Truth

Willpower: My Truth

Everyday at 5pm I rush to the bathroom with my book bag and change into my gym clothes.  I rush because I don't want the weary faces of my co-workers to convince me to skip the gym.  Everyday after dressing, I pass by someone who admires my "willpower", or wishes they had my "willpower".  To be honest, I really didn't believe I had any.  I'm not too sure what it is.  What keeps me coming back for more everyday?  What makes me so determined?

The World English Dictionary defines willpower as the ability to control oneself and determine one's actions; firmness of will.  Control, Determination, and Firmness.  These are words I knew very little about over the last 17 years of my life.  The only thing I was determined to do was overeat.  Every time I started a "diet" it lasted a week or two, and then I was back to my old self destructive ways again.  I couldn't wait to pig out.  When the day was over, I couldn't wait till the morning to start all over again. 

This was my life since I was 19 years old.  Totally out of control.  I missed so many good years of living my life to it's fullest potential.  I missed being totally present with my Godson and little sister because of my weight.  I missed out on the latest fashion trends and outings with friends because of my self-esteem.  My health was failing at 35 years old!  Why would I want to live the rest of my young life miserable and unhealthy?

I don't call it willpower, I call it ROCK BOTTOM.  That's the place I had to hit in order to be fed up with what I was doing to myself.   I had to be totally disgusted with my situation in order to make a change.  I never hated being fat enough to stop eating.  I never hated my body enough to stop eating.  I had to have my behavior smack me in my face. 

People wonder why they can't stick with it.  I'm speaking from experience here, it won't happen for you, or me for that matter, if we don't love ourselves enough to treat our bodies with the respect it deserves.  For some this may mean a purging from the outside in.  Negative relationships, negative friends, stress, and foolishness that weighs you down and makes you reach for food.  I accept no negative energy.  I am constantly purging people and things from my life because I can't afford a setback.  It's like detoxing for your soul.  Why bother if you are going to continue to let the toxins enter your system. 

 I finally love myself enough to care about what happens to it...